Self Sabotage or Self Confidence?
Digital work by Vanessa Givens
A couple weeks ago I briefly mentioned how April was an extremely heavy month for myself.
It was one of those times where I felt as if the mental chaos was unwarranted. In fact, I should have felt more than grateful for what I have and where I am. This may be true, but two things can exist at once. I think what matters here is order of importance, which of the two is interfering with my ability to carry on.
August 2021 I started a new 9-5 job that’s in a different field than what I’m used to. Luckily it’s still within the same company I've been working with for about four years. All put together, I've spent more time with this company than I have in college. I mention this because I learned I do have a workplace validation complex with this company. In April I was recently offered a promotion and when it was presented to me, it felt like the only option there was to accept. The only thing that mathematically made sense. You receive high accolades and a higher paycheck, what more could you want? Well everyone forgot to mention the higher responsibility. Or maybe I was too in shock to consider it...
Ever since I started the new job in Summer 2021, I always felt like I was doing everything wrong. I even felt as if asking questions was wrong, that I was being needy & didn't pay enough attention the first time. This feeling carried on for almost 9 months despite the advice I received from colleagues and friends. Let’s just say untreated chronic anxiety is a beast.
Once I accepted the promotion and told my family, they were extremely proud of me. My grandmother couldn't have been more excited because I'm sure she made the assumption I would be receiving medical benefits (something she's stressed since I was in middle school). Everything sounded good on paper, I would learn a few new procedures and go on with my day. But as time went on, my atmosphere felt like it was caving in on itself. My anxiety was beginning to feel heightened in all aspects of my life. All my insecurities were released from their chained boxes, coming to play tricks on me.
Lately the conversations I’ve been having with my friends would somehow circle back to work & my relationships with my family. It felt like it was seeping out of me like stink holes, funking up the space. When there would be a break I would tell myself "Okay no more, different subject, let someone else go", and grab my Nintendo Switch and play Splatoon. I knew I was on edge! But I also know better. Not everyone is in the correct headspace to hear certain things, and they definitely don't owe you their words. Luckily I’m in a space where I’m reassured by my friends, they understand I’m not typically like this. Honestly if it wasn't for one friend in particular, it wouldn't have clicked why I feel this way.
That being said, I pledge that I am officially over it. I’m done feeling insecure and incompetent. I know what I am capable of and more.
Here’s a quick story about the time I learned it is okay to “quit”. When I started working for a real paycheck it was my senior year of high school. I worked at Spirit Halloween during the last month of the season, was a blast for what it was. I believe two years later I returned but this time I started during August. If you were apart of this earlier crew, you quite literally had to build the store up from the ground up. Pulling equipment from trucks, building shelves, lugging it all up one shifty elevator. Once the store was built, planograms in the trash, I was feeling like a success. But imagine working there during the summer all the way until thanksgiving - yuck. A slow season, with little to do. The sluggish days were giving me brain rot like the zombie animatronics.
Something in me knew there were better things I could be doing with my time, better money to be made. At this point it was the second week of October and time was still moving excruciatingly slow. I could find a cozy corner & sit on the floor without anyone seeing me, thats how bad customer traffic was. Some people may appreciate this but I thrive off some sort of simulation. I weighed the options, put my foot down, and texted my manager asking for the next two weeks to be my last. I didn’t overshare my personal life, it was sweet and professional the way it should be. Although I was confident with what I was doing, I was still shaking in my boots. To my surprise my manager took it with grace. The sense of relief never felt so good, and that moment stuck with me always.
In corporate America, it is expected to stick with situations that are viewed as social progression, like work promotions. No one stops to consider if new responsibilities are truly in the parties best interests or if they have the mental capacity to handle the workload. The biggest reason I was at war with myself is because I knew what I really wanted to do. I did not want to accept higher responsibility. It sounds so terrible to older generations but I am terribly exhausted. The last two years alone could have taken me out but they didn't. I wanted this job last summer so I could ease the stress from my OTHER job, not add on to my new one. There's only one person living my life and that is me!
A couple of days ago I decided to make the bold decision and decline the promotion. I was already two weeks deep into training and accepting my new pay rate which made me feel guilty. Before I committed the final action, I asked a good friend to give me feedback on what to say. They came back with an entire draft complimented with two versions, god bless them. After flip flopping for a couple days, I finally informed my managers. Just like before at Spirit Halloween, I left things sweet and professional, the way it should be.
Currently with my job I'm in a waiting period and I feel weird but okay. I’m trying to be patient with myself especially considering I made two big decisions in the span of one month. For now, I want my next phase to be as selfish as possible. The need to invest crucial time into my craft is in high demand. I'm excited but most importantly proud of myself. Stand up for myself feels very healthy & long over due. My heart goes out to the young people in the workforce who are literally just trying to survive. It's necessary to choose yourself even if you feel guilty
