Where Is The Rule Book: A blurred reflection on social anxiety
As I get older I’ve learned that I highly value clarity & directness. I cannot compute ambiguity when it comes to how someone feels about me or how they communicate with me. There are too many times where I’ve created excuses for the mixed signals people give off. And one of the hardest lessons to learn is that mixed signals are all the signal you need - to go the other damn way. I can empathize with the fact that human emotions are way too complex to ever put them in neat clear acrylic boxes. That’s what makes everything feel so complicated. It’s easy to want these things, but I have to be realistic if that’s something I emulate myself……
Do I give out to others the same I am wanting back? What is the correct way to go about being organic yet honest with how I connect, inviting closeness while creating boundaries - what is the way? Maybe that’s where we all get stuck. When I first drafted this, my tone was coming from a slightly different direction. I was sure of my stance because recent events lead me to a downward spiral of rejection & overthinking, but reading back it also made me feel selfish. I’m well aware people don’t know how to give you what you need unless you say something, but when are you able to press the red button and break the fourth wall? There’s a chance my fear of “rules” regarding communication is a product of being neurodivergent, combined with the unforgettable quarantine further regressing my socialization skills. Although I carry this anxiety, I still have to take some personal responsibility.
I want to dig into my brain and see where I need to improve. I can make the assumption that my friends are secure in how we communicate but that doesn’t mean it can’t be enhanced. Even with the inner work, I can’t expect others to respond exactly how I may want in the moment. Plus not every relationship, platonic or not, will have identical communications styles and that is supposed to be wonderful. It’s a true balancing act trying to be aware of my limits and when it’s time to simply step away or stick around to entertain a situation.
This entry was sort of all over the place but that is an honest depiction of how this all feels! Look, once I find a secret formula to this I’ll share it to the mountaintops. Possibly the secret formula is to…… not give a f__k like everyone keeps telling me. In the meantime I’ll be here pondering ways to overcome my discomfort.
