Down by the Bay
This past August I took a chance and went on a solo four day trip to San Francisco.
I gave myself a change of scenery and the only assignment was to be engulfed in the moment. This was not a time to stress about expectations, especially regarding how I spend my time. Yet I still endured this pressure insinuating that something wasn’t going completely right. I felt that I wasn't even relaxing the proper way, somehow failing at vacation. But how was that possible when I was doing everything I wanted to do.
Looking back, there are a few reasons for this looming cloud which can be broken down into a few parts. Mainly the big elephant in the room is the fact that I chose to travel with the state of the world being what it is right now. Although I knew I would be as safe as possible, I still had guilt. It was my decision to go so I had to accept it and move on, I already landed after all.
Image property of Vanessa Givens
Secondly, July in itself was a mixed bag in terms of my emotions. There were many highlights, but once we reached the later half of the month I became extremely checked-out. The dissociation hadn’t been that bad in quite awhile, talking years. Time was passing by without a beat or a second thought. The numbness almost consumed me, creating dissatisfaction with my lifestyle. As the days crept closer to my trip, I wasn’t reaching any sense of clarity or breakthrough. From the start, my itinerary was designed to be low-maintenance, but I wish I was able to generate the excitement I kept anticipating. Now I felt guilty for my lack of excitement. Strike two, but there was still something else lingering.
On top of everything else, I was visiting a city that holds a lot of weight for myself, even with the brief time I lived there. On my first try, I managed to move to San Francisco in 2018 at 19 years old with nothing but savings from my two jobs & going-away money from my stepdad. I set myself up with a new job for when I arrived, but the hot air balloon of optimism started to rip from the seams. Seven months into that journey, I was faced with a decision to try and make it work on a new lease or bust a move back home. Going back to Los Angeles did not feel like a feasible option, so I tried for weeks to re-secure this dream I busted my ass for. After a few building blocks kept tumbling down, I decided to move back home out of fear of being homeless. I was devastated but I knew it was the safest thing to do.
In 2021, I was yet again stuck with my hands tied, having to make big decisions and FAST. Do I move back into my family home or take a chance with trying San Francisco again? After not being approved for any apartments in LA, NorCal was looking better every day. On a whim, I agreed to a lease agreement with someone that turned out to be my worst nightmare. Luckily my mom flew in with me, as she is my only witness to all the madness. I tried to make excuses for the conditions of the place but anyone could see this house was not up to code whatsoever. It was deeper than the physical state of the house, but also my own safety didn’t feel secure with my new potential roommates (one of which I didn't know existed!). My mom looked me in the eye, saw through my denial, and straight up told me "You don't have to stay here, we can leave right now". Hearing those words saved my life but that’s when I began to spiral. I was no longer feeling confident in my decisions, causing me to visibly lose it.
These two stories matter because that last attempt carried so much emotional weight with no closure. It left me with a broken heart, feeling scammed & essentially robbed. Not only did I lose money but also trust in myself, which was the most disappointing aspect. During this August 2022 vacation, I needed to reclaim my love for the city & celebrate how far I’ve come. Returning to SF felt similar to meeting with an old friend after having a petty fight, nervous about how either one of you will react.
After being home for a few days, the afterglow of the trip started to hit me. I already miss driving down the highway running errands with my friends & listening to music. Or finding a patch of grass and squeezing in a quick nap. Even though I was anxious, I still had a lovely time living in the moment, soaking up the wholesomeness. I definitely need to get better at taking pictures while I'm roaming outside because there's so much beauty I failed to capture. In due time I can't wait to go back and hopefully be more present. My heart is full and I’m grateful for the friends that held space for me while visiting. I truly couldn't have asked for a better bunch than what I’ve got & I hope they know how much I love them!
Until next time.
